When Stupid is the New Smart

There is a trend among the “intellectual” elite to ridicule facets of lowbrow culture in an effort to establish their own brilliance in the eyes of others. Fact: There is always one person at Barnes and Nobel who will declare that reality television is the downfall of modern civilization. Fact: That is a stupid. Another fact: My grandpa’s third eye was actually his forth nipple.

Intellectuals say things that make no sense whatsoever just because they can and because it’s just easier than thinking up something relevant. It’s the same reason why a dog licks himself or your sister slept with the pizza man.

I couldn’t get away with any of that. I couldn’t get away with saying random phrases and having people interpret it as intelligent. I couldn’t get away with sleeping with the pizza man.

Take, for example, the reality-television comment. Proclaiming that reality television is the downfall of civilization is no different than me saying “hamburger cheese please” because neither means anything and no one cares about what you have to say anyway.

The problem with these sorts of arguments is that there is no credible evidence to back them up, meaning they cannot validate the intelligence of the speaker, which is the main purpose of the statement. Instead, it creates the facade of being clever with timing and a grammatical pattern.

It’s relatively simple to make a stupid comment appear smart. Take a noun such as “reality television,” then take a cataclysmic event, usually “the downfall of civilization” and add “is.” It ends up sounding witty and provocative while in actuality being pretentious and redundant.

Put in any noun. Doesn’t matter what. Try dogs. Dogs are the downfall of civilization. Now try paper hats. It all works. Frosted Flakes. Do you hate Frosted Flakes? They can be the downfall of civilization too. Corn. Even corn.

Yet the rest of us have to work that much harder because we’re not intellectuals and therefore our common decency prevents us from being dumbasses. It doesn’t come easy. For example, this is me being my most witty and provocative: kick an old person down who is walking off the bus when he/she takes too long.

Sometimes I also say “make this quick, his head is missing and I don’t know how much longer I have until I can still stitch it back on” when I answer the phone. This does not elicit a positive reaction. This is because it is not based in reality and is inappropriate. But can’t the same be said for the person professing that reality television is the downfall of modern civilization?

If I said either of those in Barnes and Nobel, no one would consider that charming or a “hilarious comment on the state of universal affairs.”

With drug abuse, crime, racism, and sexism still prevalent in our society, it seems stupid to blame the downfall of civilization on reality television. Making the Band 4 has nothing to do with whether or not your child spells the word “Cherry” like “ChairE” or has placed a random percentage symbol between the C and a 4. That’s your fault. Deal with it.