With the release of a new teen horror movie, Prom Night, I thought it would be a good time to address the many amazing lessons one learns when watching this amazing sub-genre.
There are quite a few things you can learn so, in the event that a serial killer, a friend to whom you may have done an unspeakable harm, or any crazy person wielding a weapon is chasing you, you can implement and maybe save yourself from death.
These things may all seem simple enough, but as illustrated by these smart characters in the movies, anyone can become a blundering idiot and lose all common sense. So here’s my list of invaluable tools:
- Don’t open and close a medicine cabinet. You never know who will appear in that mirror behind you in a split second’s time. You may think you can tell if someone is entering the bathroom and creeping up behind you, but you never know.
- Don’t back up into a closet. Or for that matter, don’t walk backwards anywhere. The killer is always going to be at the end of that path. I mean, if you walk forward, you probably won’t be walking in the serial killer’s direction now, will you?
- Don’t take a shower in a creepy house. If weird things are going on in a strange place, your best bet is to NOT get naked and start lathering up alone in a small space where you don’t have any room to maneuver.
- Don’t split up if you’re down to just you and one other person. If you two stay together, you have someone to fight off the killer as he/she goes after you. Or at least someone there to scream helplessly as the killer proceeds to…you know, kill you.
And finally….
- Don’t be a supporting character or black. Those are the people who always die throughout the movie. If you’re a main character, you will be saved to be killed last, and by that time, usually an hour and a half after the killings have started, the cops will finally show up and save you.
April 25, 2008
Also, don’t have sex in a horror movie, ever. You’re just going to end up running around the house/woods/abandoned whatever half-naked. And my biggest horror movie beef: if you start hurting the killer, don’t stop until he’s dead!
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April 26, 2008
Very true. Point taken, Maria.
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May 25, 2008
And, an absolute must here.. When being chased around in a house by demons, monsters, zombies, psycho killers, et.al….You nust NEVER run outside to escape! You must run upstairs to the room with the cheapest balsa wood constructed door! Also, why is it that the horrors of hell can be happening in a house in a quiet neighborhood, and no one calls the cops because of the noise?
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May 26, 2008
Ranter…how right you are about the cheap, balsa wood bedroom door. Don’t forget, accordian closet doors are always constructed out of balsa, too.
Additionally, killers are not only strong, but they have incredible centers of balance and are always lithe and agile…I’m talking Olympic gymnast type agility–even when seriously wounded and the femme fatale he’s trying to kill by chasing all over hither and yon, always gets at least one good knife wound in the killer’s shoulder, arm or thigh.
And don’t forget the scary dream sequence ending. Sadly, so many didn’t learn their lesson and were lulled into a feeling a false security after Carrie and the first Jason, movie whatever that was called.
Lastly, if you hear strange music that includes someone half whispering….pah…pah…pah…tah…tah…tah….dah…dah…dah…run. That’s your cue that someone is gonna get hacked up all to hell–it’ll probably be you, Sweetie and your bloody corpse will either be propped up in bed, hanging from a nail on the other side of that door…OR…thrown through the window just as the hero and heroine are walking by it.
I just LOVES me some comedies!!!!
LK
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June 08, 2008
plus, always remember that if you are blonde, buxom, thin, or at all attractive, especially compared to other characters, you will be killed in the goriest, bloodiest, and most disgusting way possible. afterwards you will be left in plain site where your best fried/boyfriend/family members will undoubtably see you.
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will reply on July 2nd, 2009:
nice answer i think that if u think u saw something outside the house dont be stupid to go outside u never know so DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTT GO OUT SIDE
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August 26, 2008
I know there’s freedom of the press or whatever over here, but I swear, if anyone else gives away one more of my secrets!! Yeah, watch out next time you’re in the woods in a secluded make-out spot with your boyfriend, because I’ll pull him right out of the car and slice-and-dice him right in front of you… then I’ll let you get a little bit of a head start, maybe stumble around on some bushes, or maybe I’ll pull the old “walk calmly as you run as fast as humanly possible and still end up just around the next corner” Basically, you’re mine!
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September 09, 2008
Yeah, that might work, but if its the end of the movie(which is likely ’cause we know you exist) I will just stand up though seemingly stabbed to death and shoot you or go all Inigo Montoya on your ass.
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will reply on July 2nd, 2009:
WHAT! THATS DUMB THE BOYFRIEND SRIOSLY THINK FUCK
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November 24, 2008
Well, damn.
I’ve already lost.
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November 28, 2008
Haha, yea, true, and alwayse remember if you have a feeling something in the most slightest sense, is not right, its definatley not, and if you are running away from the, whatever it is that is going to kill you, someone is bound to fall over something, and someone usually has to go back to help the idiot up.
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December 13, 2008
ooooohhh shit, hide me now.
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December 14, 2008
Man, I love how this article is still getting comments more than 8 months after its posting. Thanks guys!
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Harris reply on December 15th, 2008:
Congrats on a good article.
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September 15, 2009
How true are all of these..
Yet we have forgotten the token car scene..
Remember that if you are running away from the ‘killer’ or whatever it is that is after you, dont try to get into the car to escape because most likely situation is that you will either have; forgotten your keys or dropped them under the car and wont find them in time.
And if thats not it you will find that; the car will fail to start and even if you do get it started and think you are safe the killer will usually have found someway to get into the car and be waiting for you in the back seat!
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April 07, 2011
If you start the movie without a name (See: Guy from Galaxy Quest), you will die, the story will move on, and in the end when the bodies are displayed or the camera pans through all the graves, you will not be there. Essentially you were added in to give the movie that extra boost it needs to have an R rating, like dropping the F bomb at random, irrelevant times; I mean really, let’s be real – nobody takes a PG-13 movie seriously anymore.
Also, don’t bother running. Just stand there and take it, it will be over quickly and nobody’s going to remember you anyway.
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August 11, 2011
in scary movies theres always the babysitters, youre the ones that are played with the most mostly because youre a female thats not in her natural element all alone and has childeren to watch over. word of advice wear comfy shoes, jeans, a sweater tie your fricken hair back, pocket knife. OH and charge youre damn cell phone. Meanwhile hide the kids some were totally noticable because if he was really gonna kill them that would have been long done and the easiest part. He wants you cupcake, oh and before i forget if you are athletic congrats youll probably survive. cheers
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