A God Walking Among Men

There has been a lot of speculation in the last few weeks about Tom Cruise. First, a tell-all book was released that claims Tom is a celebrity recruiter for the church of Scientology, and that his daughter Suri was conceived with the sperm of L. Ron Hubbard. Then, there was that Scientology video of him talking all crazy. But Tom Cruise is no stranger to speculation.

There have been allegations that his marriage to Katie Holmes was arranged, and of course we can’t forget the whole Tom Cruise “in the closet” rumor. We shall delve into the life of the mysterious creature named Tom Cruise.

Let’s focus on the most obvious source of controversy…Scientology. Over the years, Tom has received a lot of flack for being the celebrity face for Scientology. But America forgets that there was another guy in history that received a lot of flack for being the face of a religion. That guy’s name: Jesus Christ.

Oh yes, Jesus encountered his fair share of “haters”, and that eventually led to his crucifixion. Now, I’m not suggesting that Tom Cruise be crucified… but I’m sure you could imagine what a PR coup that would be for Scientology.

To simplify it for you, if Scientology had a Trinity (The father, the son, and the Holy Spirit) it would go The Xenu, The L. Ron Hubbard, and the Tom Cruise, in some order.

Tom and Jesus do bare some striking resemblances. The first being that in their prime they were both totally ripped (I guarantee you’ve never seen a picture of flabby Jesus on the cross, and we all saw Tom in those tighty whities). Also, Jesus cured Lepers; Tom cures mental disease through Dianetics. What Jesus called “disciples,” Tom calls an “entourage”. And lastly, Jesus had a famous beard and so does Tom…his is named Katie Holmes.

I’m joking. Of course Tom isn’t gay. Sure, maybe every once and a while Tom likes John Travolta’s finger in his ass. Does that make him gay? No it does not, because everyone knows it’s really only gay if your balls touch. Actually Scientology frowns on homosexuality. Do you really think the Jesus of Scientology would be gay? That’s as ridiculous as aliens coming to earth 75 million years ago and being dropped in a volcano and having their spirits inhabit our bodies…wait, never mind.

As for Katie Holmes, what wouldn’t she see in a modern day Jesus Christ? Maybe she fancies herself some sort of new Mary Magdalene. I mean for a 28 year old Catholic girl from Detroit to marry a 45 year old king of Scientology with two previous wives under his belt. You can’t get more “fallen woman” than that!

Now let’s talk about little Suri Cruise, or as I like to call her “the sion”. I personally have no idea whether or not Suri is the offspring of L. Ron Hubbard or Tom Cruise (what I do know is that she wasn’t conceived through sex, because L.Ron is dead, and Tom thinks vaginas are “icky”)…but either way she is the chosen one.

Think of the immense pressure that is going to be on her growing up. Whoever her daddy is, he’s sort of a big deal and people are going to look to her for cool parlor tricks like…I don’t know…turning water to wine or resurrecting her father’s career.

I predict that she will totally rebel, go to rehab, possibly release a sex tape, and maybe even date Hugh Hefner if he’s still alive by the time she reaches 18. I hope she does! Suri, if you want to pave your own path then God bless you…or should I say Xenu bless you!