February Mailbag, Stephanie Says

Dan Swartz of Harlem, NY Writes:

Stephanie,

Why does my pee smell bad?

Stephanie Says:

Well Dan, I have to be honest that I came to a pretty snap conclusion at first about this issue. I decided that it was probably something in your diet like asparagus that would cause your pee to smell funny. But you didn’t say “funny” you said “bad”, so I’ve come up with a theory.

Your insides are rotting. I think you are probably just a truly bad person and that is causing you to rot from the inside out. Maybe you’ve done terrible unspeakable acts and your body is reacting. Off the top of my head maybe you’ve murdered an entire farm family, fashioned their skin into a tent of sorts, and performed some sort of satanic rituals underneath the skin tent. Maybe you are a sexual deviant; perhaps you have sex with animals, or family members, or babies. Maybe you have sex with baby animals that are in your family. Whether you be murderer, raper, or genocider you are bad…and not bad meaning good.

My advice to you is to repent for your sins and turn yourself in to the authorities. Only that way can you get rid of the terrible guilt that is causing your pee to stink. Also, don’t eat asparagus.

Greg of Fort Wayne, IN Writes:

Stephanie,

Why is it the only time i get ass is when i have 300 dollars cash in my pocket?

Stephanie Says:

First of all there are many grammatical errors in your question…most obviously the lack of capitalization of “I”. Clearly you aren’t a genius…but that doesn’t matter because we ladies love a man with money. You start waving around that green and we get all weak in the knees.

My advice to you is to always stay financially sound. You can be a fug, a fatty, even a dumby, but as long as you have money someone will fuck you.

Am I saying that all girls are prostitutes? Not directly…I’m saying all girls have a price and mine, by the way, is WAY less that $300.

Veronica of Knoxville, TN Writes:

Stephanie,

Where do babies come from?

Stephanie Says:

Your fuzzy hole.

Editor’s note: This is a monthly piece, so please send Stephanie your questions at crashcomedy@yahoo.com OR myspace message her at myspace.com/stephabeph.