Spice Girls Weekend! A Crunk Spice Review

Last weekend was the culmination of weeks and weeks of anticipation. I saw the Spice Girls not once…but twice! I am walking you through what will forever be known to me as “Spice Girls Weekend.”

I should probably start by explaining to the “haters” out there why I wanted to see the Spice Girls in the first place. I am aware that the Spice Girls aren’t musical geniuses, but it can’t be denied that they are icons. I used to listen to them when I was a kid. I can vividly remember singing “Wannabe” at recess, and writing “Girl Power” on my trapper keeper. But, I’m from Indiana and (though it was good enough for the Jackson’s) the Spice Girls never made it to “The Hoosier State.” So now that they have reunited, this is my last chance to see the ladies all together live.

After my B.F.F. Tina and I bought the tickets for the big Spice Girl’s show in Newark, New Jersey, it was announced that Mel C. a.k.a. “Sporty Spice” was going to do a solo concert in Manhattan. A lot of Americans aren’t aware, but in Europe Mel C. is a pretty popular recording artist. Thus, the idea of “Spice Girl’s Weekend” was born.

Saturday, after we arrived at the Mel C. concert and purchased our $8 beers, I was surprised by her demographic. There were a lot of gay men and they’re hags, but that I expected. What I didn’t expect were the morbidly obese people, and the butch lesbians. There were even some morbidly obese, butch lesbian, hags, or as I call them, the “triple threats”.

In fact as the show went on I began to think that maybe “sporty” is just a British way of saying lesbian (kind of like how they call soccer football). Think about it, Sporty’s the only one without any kids, none of her songs are gender specific, and she’s always wearing those pants with the snaps down the side…classic lesbian!

But, I’m jumping ahead of myself. Mel C.’s opener was a girl named Hayley Sales, and I think my friend Tina summed her up perfectly when she said “It’s like a female Jack Johnson only more boring.” According to Ms. Sales, she grew up on a blueberry farm in Vancouver, and that is by far the most interesting thing about her.

After Hayley finished her beleaguered set, they brought the house lights on and everyone waited for Mel C.’s 9:15 start time. All of a sudden there was a rumbling among the crowd. Everyone was looking up in the balcony to the right, but from where we were standing we could really only see the first few rows of the balcony. All of a sudden I saw a tuft of blonde hair and I knew…. “GERI!” I screamed.

I grabbed Tina and began to run. “It’s Geri! It’s Geri!” I kept screaming. I was trying to find an area where I could see Ginger Spice in all her glory. However coordination has never been a strong point for me, and especially when I’m running backwards trying to see a spice girl. I tripped over one of the obese people and tumbled to the ground. I hurt my elbow, but recovered and continued to scream like a maniac. Then out walks Mel B. (Scary), and Emma (Baby)…I lose my shit. I start screaming and flailing…at one point I think I stop breathing. We didn’t know what to expect from this concert, but we never expected the other Spice Girl’s to be there! This would be the closest I would get to the Spice Girls all weekend…and possibly ever.

Victoria (Posh), was not there and a lot of people think it’s because she supposedly doesn’t get along with the other girls. If I had a super hot husband like David Beckham I would never leave the house (or my bed), so the fact that she ever appears in public is admirable to me.

The lights go down and the concert starts. Out comes Mel C., and I remember noting to myself that she has the shiniest hair I’ve ever seen. Her songs were pretty good, but I have to admit that I felt bad for her because the audience was only giving her half of their attention. The other half was dedicated to Baby, Ginger, and Scary. (Are they dancing to the music? Are they singing along? Are they laughing at Mel C.’s half-assed jokes?)

All in all, the concert was good. Mel C. fans are intense, and Tina and I stuck out because we really only knew one of her songs. Because of my pre-show spill I couldn’t wave my hands in the air (like I just didn’t care). But, I consider it $35 well spent!

But, that was only half of Spice Girl’s weekend. Now, on to the main event! Sunday night Tina and I arrive at the Prudential Center wearing our homemade t-shirts reading “Drunk Spice” and “Crunk Spice” (I was “Crunk Spice”). We were both inebriated, and we think that if we were (lucky enough to be) Spice Girls those would be our names.

As I was walking (not in a straight line) to my seat I noticed something that shook my foundation. Most of the other people in attendance were 15-17 year girls and their mothers. This was disheartening to me for two reasons:

1. These kids are too young to have liked the Spice Girls in the mid-90’s and their mothers are too old.
2. In my 22 years of life this is the first time I’ve felt like I was too old to be somewhere.

The kids were all really critical of our drunken state, and I could swear they were making fun of us behind our backs. As the concert went on we made more enemies because my friend kept spilling her beer on people. But, we weren’t there to make friends…we were there to Ziggazagah and that’s what we did!

There were thousands of people there, so even though we each spent $75 on tickets, the Spice Girls still kind of looked like ants. This was partially because of the distance, but also because their heads look so big in comparison to their waif-ish bodies.

All of the spice girl’s were there, even Posh. They sang all of their classics, and they each did a solo. Notice I didn’t say they each sang a solo. Victoria Beckham walked the runway to “You Better Work” in lieu of singing a song, which is ironic because she’s the only Spice Girl who doesn’t work, unless pouting is a job.

They ended the show with their first hit “Wannabe”…but not just “Wannabe”, a bigger gayer version. There were shirtless break dancers in day glow, cannons of glitter, and even the song was re-done to sound more techno. The rhythm of this new version is the exact same rhythm I use when sucking cock.

So after spending more money than I wanted to, injuring my elbow, subjecting myself to verbal abuse by teenage girls and their mothers, and worst of all going to Newark would I do it all again? In a heart beat! The Spice Girls spoke to a generation of girls. They left me with the ideas of “Girl Power”, and “If you wanna be my lover, you’ve got to get with my friends” (which now that I’m thinking about it is an ideal that’s caused more harm than good in my life).

I would recommend this concert to anyone looking to have some stupid fun. Because if you think about it, isn’t there a little Sporty, Baby, Ginger, Posh, and Scary in all of us?