Logical Parenting Advice 101: So You Decided to Keep It

Newborns sound like fun. You tickle them, you squeeze them. They take two steps then they fall down. But you can only watch that for so long. My parents often told a joke about how they were excited to have a third child. When I would answer, “But what happened?”, they’d respond, “We had you.”

But now I’m a parent of a newborn. On my first day of being a father, I encountered a problem. I knew I had to remain calm and rationalize. She depended on me not to let her down. I thought to myself “How did a baby get in my mailbox?” I had not ordered a baby. In the end, I did let her down. Literally. I dropped her. The sidewalk was slippery, because of my Slip ‘N’ Slide.

No one is a perfect parent. Remember this. Also, keep this in mind. You need a permit to take care of other people’s children, but you legally can have six yourself without anyone’s permission.

Here is some advice for expecting parents.

LEARN FROM YOUR CHILD; THEY TOO CAN TEACH

I was pretty down. In fact, I was so down that I couldn’t reach the top cabinet in the kitchen. But there my sweetie was, ready to pick me up, and lift me to new heights. Figuratively speaking, of course. It would be impossible for her to pick me up. Instead, I just stood on her head.

TAKE YOUR BABY OUT FOR A WALK

Don’t put dogs in strollers. Don’t put babies on leashes. It’s seems simple enough, but it never dawned on me until it was too late. Far too late. Let’s just leave it at that. The results are depressing. I’d discuss this in more detail but I’ll just leave it at this: she’s going to need a lot of turtleneck sweaters

LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD’S NEEDS

Always listen to what your baby wants. I knew that it was imperative to stay connected with my child in order to form a bond. My solution? A baby monitor. I put one in her room and one in my room. Then I turned them both off. Why? All I heard was screaming. And hell, I could hear that even without the monitor.

I do not get the purpose of a baby monitor.

INFANTS NEED SUSTENANCE TO SURVIVE

This baby was loud, especially after I stepped on that soft spot on her head. Nothing I’d do would please her. I drew boundaries and gave her two options. Either I could feed her or I could give her a bath. When she did not answer coherently, I decided on the former for her.

Babies are like Grandma. They both drool, both are picky eaters, and both need diapers. I fed my baby, but did not change her diaper because I never put one on her in the first place. But my baby did not like generic tortilla chips or an unopened can of Campbell’s soup. I left the baby on top of the washer while I scurried to find something better. I guess I didn’t need to because she turned out to be a pretty ambitious child.

By I the time came back she had already got what she was hungry for: detergent.

BATH TIME FOR BABY

Feeding her didn’t calm her down. It was time for my backup plan.

Now, when dealing with children, one must understand that they need their space. They need time for themselves. They need to be given room. I ran some water, poured some dish soap in, and plopped her into the sink. Then I left the room for two hours.

That must have been what she wanted, because after about three minutes, I didn’t hear a peep out of her for the rest of the night. When I took her out of the ice cold water (word to potential parents, water gets cold), she had X’s for eyes.

CONCLUSION

I was surprised when I found out that I had inseminated another person. I had sex only once in my life and I had been told that it was impossible to impregnate a sheep.