Man’s Best Friend…With Benefits?

So in the past couple of months I’ve been watching a lot of the presidential debates. I mean, what else am I going to do with all of the writers on strike? I’ve always been very involved in politics, but usually only ever watched the Democratic debates. This year however, Ron Paul caught my attention so I’ve been watching both.

Some of the things that I’ve heard the candidates say over the last couple of months are completely ridiculous. First, Giuliani said that if the U.S. had universal health care when he had prostate cancer his survival rate would have gone down drastically. Then, John McCain started talking all crazy about how we’re winning the war in Iraq and how he’s willing to commit a hundred years to this war (which doesn’t make sense if we’re winning). But, I think the worst thing that I’ve heard is Mike Huckabee constantly comparing homosexuality to having sex with animals.

I suppose I have to clarify before I go on my rant that I’m not gay…well not totally. I mean, I wouldn’t kick Gwen Stefani out of my bed, but for the most part I am not gay. However my brother, Josef, is gay and I lovingly refer to him as Homosef. I guess I should also clarify that I have never seen my brother have sex with a dog…but then again I’ve never seen him have sex at all because he’s my brother and that’s sick.

Now, I have to admit that I’ve heard this theory before. You see, I’m originally from Indiana and I can remember having these debates in government class. We’d start talking about gay marriage and someone would say something along the lines of “If we let gay people get married then we have to let people marry animals, or have multiple wives.” I can even remember one person saying “If we let gay people get married then A.I.D.S. would spread.” Which, I remember thinking was both offensive and adorable. Offensive because he assumed that all gay people have A.I.D.S., but adorable because he thought that if gay people didn’t get married that they wouldn’t have sex. I guess I always just assumed that this was a corn fed attitude of people in a small town and that when I moved away to the “big city” that these close minded views wouldn’t exist.

Of course, that was not the case. Just recently I dated a guy who told me that he thought being gay was a choice. I have to admit I was shocked that an adult man living in New York City felt this way. After shock I felt suspicion…because I thought if he thinks that someone can force themselves to be straight, then maybe he thinks that because that’s what he’s doing. Maybe Mike Huckabee feels the same way, for the same reasons.

A man and a dog is different than a man and another man (or two ladies). I’m actually embarrassed that this needs explaining. The biggest difference is probably the fact that a human has a range of emotions and is able to have consensual sex, where as a dog will lick the peanut butter off of your balls but is WAY more interested in the peanut butter than you.

I will concede that the bible says that homosexuality is a sin (of course it also says that the sun revolves around the earth but whatevs). But, the last time I checked, religion is supposed to be separate from the government.

I know that it doesn’t seem like I’m pro-religion but that’s not true. I am personally an atheist but I have always admired people’s passion when it comes to religion. If anything I’m jealous that I don’t have anything in my life I would go so far as to start a war for.

This whole issue kind of reminds me of when I was a kid and my friends would get mad at me for using the Lord’s name in vain. I would ask what the problem was and they’d say “It’s a sin”. I would always say the same thing… “It’s not like I’m forcing you to sin”.

If you truly believe that homosexuals will burn in Hell, I can’t ask you to change your mind. But, I can ask you to just let them. So two gay people get married and they live a long happy life, and raise kids, and see grandkids. Maybe they get a dog. Then they die and go to Hell. I guess you win, right?