I’ve never made a left turn in my life. I’ve right-turned my way around my block, and it sure got the juices flowing, but driving is not really for me. Yes, I am a Cornell graduate and a non-driver in New York City. Consequently, I am well acquainted with the MTA’s public transportation options and the associated sights and smells.
I spend half my day riding public transportation. So do approximately way too many other people. None of us really want to be there, unless we’re in a Jessica Biel-Scarlett Johansson sandwich. Since they probably fly around in private jets, you’ll have to set your goals lower. Staring at that overgrown belly in front of your face is cause for celebration, since you at least have a seat.
Out where I live, there aren’t even any subways, so I get to ride buses, Rosa Parks style, in order to get to the subway. A few of the front seats are single-seaters, so landing one is nearly as satisfying as a successful bus boycott. Not only that, but since buses run above ground and get emptied after each route, bums are basically kept out. Rats never make their way on board, either. Unfortunately, so many things are wrong with buses that I’d rather sit at home and eat cottage cheese.
- The ride itself is fairly loud, so if I want to use my cell phone, I have to discover alternate ways of asking “What?”
- Spitting, smoking, drinking, and eating are not allowed on the bus, but you know that whoever just got off the bus did all of them.
- At busy times, the bus stops at every. single. stop. and you could pretty much walk faster. At least the herky jerky movement accelerates my vomit onto the driver’s head.
- People push the button announcing that they want the bus to stop, but it’s not really their stop. Instead of saying “Just kidding” or “Whoops,” they say nothing and hope someone else will get off the bus at the stop. Nope, doesn’t work. Thanks a lot.
In short, riding buses are not fun.
The subway, on the other hand, is a glorious, vast expanse of carefully dug underground tunnels, each inch coated with a protective layer of bum urine. Of course, that is an understatement. There are rat droppings too.
Last week on the subway I experienced a new scent. My nostrils whiffed a sweet mixture of homeless person and human feces. It was odd– sometimes I spelled them separately, sometimes together, and sometimes not at all. Later analysis determined that a bum (maybe he was only half homeless) nearby probably released some stool in his pants.
As I transferred into another train, I heard a man giving a monologue on condom usage, AIDS, credit cards, and butch lesbians who are strong like oxen. A few girls slowly stepped away, and he spliced into his monologue a reassurance that he didn’t want to harm any ladies. That was the most fun I had on the subway all month.
There is just one pleasant experience in traveling through New York, and it’s called the Long Island Railroad. Fortunately, it’s too expensive for bums or normal people to ride. It uses an old fashioned ticket system called “collecting tickets” that takes a really long time and has high employment costs. So, in exchange for an $7 ticket that you must buy in advance to avoid the $5 surcharge, you get to ride in a relatively clean train for half an hour. If it’s not too crowded, you even get a seat. For those who tend to wet their pants while traveling, the trains come with actual bathrooms!
The LIRR could probably reduce ticket prices and increase revenue in the long run if they switched to a modern ticket collecting system. There are just so many ways these days to avoid paying for a ticket.
- Check all of your pockets for the ticket, becoming 10x more nervous each minute. Finally, freak out and tell the collector you can’t find your monthly ticket, you must have left it at home. Wet pants for added effect.
- Hide in the bathroom when the collector approaches.
- Walk in the opposite direction from the collector. When you reach another collector, tell him you gave the other one your ticket.
- Pretend to be sleeping. If the collector wakes you up, say that you gave your ticket already, but fell asleep and are on your way back.
- Dress up as a collector and get a bunch of tickets. This is kind of stealing and probably some sort of impersonation felony.
- Say that someone else dressed up as a collector came and took your ticket.
Of course there is one more option. You can choose from swarms of yellow cabs. It’s pretty much the same as the other options, except you don’t have to sit next to anyone and it’s the most expensive. Surprisingly, it’s not worth it. Stick with buses and trains.
