God Kills Again, Says, “It’s OK When I Do It”

MINNEAPOLIS - "The cops tell me there’s nothing that they can do about it," 43-year-old Terry Sap says, the nagging frustration prompted by the mishandling of his 3-year-old daughter’s death apparent in the dark circles under his eyes. "They asked me how she died. I said Leukemia. They asked if it were someone named Leukemia. I said no, Leukemia the cancer. That's when they told me I was wasting their time."

"Finally, I got fed up. I went to a priest. I needed guidance. The priest said that this was His work. I told that priest, ‘No shit this is His work. That’s my problem. I can beat Him up if you hold Him down.’ The priest told me to quit cursing or he’d kick me out of the church. I said OK. Then he told me the same thing again. ‘This is HIS work.’ I just threw my hands in the air. You know what? You know what I think? Go find another job, God."

Since the beginning of time, God, the ticked-off deity who came into prominence by taking advantage of a sleeping, virginal woman in front of her boyfriend, has fed His unquenchable hunger for mass slaughter in between inspiring Grammy winners to write songs entitled "Bootylicious." His lack of remorse has been intensified only by the complete lack of punishment demanded by the public.

"I’ve never seen anyone get away with murder more than God," Sap says. "People just say, ‘He has His reasons’ or ‘that person is now serving a higher purpose.' What purpose does my three-year-old child need to serve? She couldn’t even pee without someone holding her hand and telling her that it’ll be all right very, very soon."

God, who often lovingly refers to the Human Race as His children, revels in His parental incompetency. Nowhere is this more prevalent than when He publicly designated His child, Jesus Christ, to be the one who would pay for all the sins of mankind. Terry wants us to keep this small tidbit in our minds when we wonder of what he’s willing to do to His "other" children.

"And what does he want with my three-year-old child anyway? Michael Jackson wants to adopt a child and we freak out. But you know what? God needs babies to service him. That’s what I’m hearing from this whole serving business."

God’s rampage of tot-killing didn’t conclude with Sap’s first child. Five months later, a miscarriage took the life of a second presumed "miracle."

"I’m sure that fetus is serving a real fucking purpose," Terry says.

The health and mental stability of Bethany Sap, Terry’s wife, is being affected greatly by the losses as well.

"There have been accidents. Well, we call them accidents, but we know the son of a bitch who’s behind them," Terry says. "You don’t just fall down the steps five times in one day. You don’t just accidentally step on a cat. And a microwave doesn’t just blow up in your face. God must really want her to serve Him, but I can relate. After all, that's why I married her. She was the best in high school. She could start serving any day now, and I've accepted that."

According to the explanation given by experts, God takes the lives of human beings when they are set to perform their spiritually higher duties in Heaven. It’s like a promotion. And though Terry and Bethany's daughter, Suzie Sap, has just gotten that promotion, she will not be alone. Others will be moving on up.

However, the worst victims of all may be those left behind with their dwindling self-confidence. Those people who have no higher purpose to serve. Those people, like Terry Sap, who are currently dealing with the fact that they are worthless and are apparently less valuable than a fetus.

"God probably wants someone who can use Excel," Terry says. "I only know Word."