Don’t Call it a Comeback

A couple months ago Celine Dion attempted a comeback, and now divas like Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, and Madonna are trying to squeeze out the last bit of air in their careers. Even Whitney Houston’s going to take a crack at it (Get it? Crack…). But, don’t call it a comeback…it’s really more of a death rattle.

Janet (or Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) is no stranger to comebacks. For her last album, “Damita Joe”, she gained a bunch of weight and then dropped it. She was all over magazines and on Oprah telling all about how she lost the weight. Janet, if you read this (and I’m sure you will), take it from me: If gaining and losing weight made you more popular I would have at least had my Comedy Central Presents by now…but no dice. It’s true that no one likes a fatty…But, nobody understands what “Damita Joe” means. Is it a person’s name? Or are you asking “Did you meet a Joe?” And in that case are you referring to specific person named Joe, or do you call all men Joe ala movie musicals of the 1930s? This time she’s trying to do the unheard of and just let the music speak for itself.

Now, Mariah Carey or “Mimi” is attempting to try Janet’s failed “new body” technique for her new album “E=MC2” (a beyond clever title). She’s showing off her new figure on magazines, but I have to be honest I like a fatter Mariah. Watching her hoist her ass up onto counters and the hoods of cars in her music videos is part of her appeal.

And then, of course there’s “Her Madgesty”, Madonna. She is the queen of reinvention. She’s done everything from coming out with a sex book to french kissing Britney Spears. Now she’s got a new black baby, a documentary movie she directed, and with the help of Photoshop she’s proving to the world that 50 is sexy. Her new album is called “Hard Candy” and at this point I think her hard candy of choice would probably be Werther’s Originals.

You may have noticed at this point that I haven’t actually mentioned any of the music. I was watching an interview with Heidi Montag (of the Hill’s) and when asked why she’s so certain she can transition into being pop star she said, “A hit song is a hit song. It doesn’t really matter who sings it.” I died a little inside, but it’s totally true. Ladies, you are from a simpler time when people bought your albums because they gave a shit about you as a person as well as your music. Now I find myself downloading Pussy Cat Doll songs and I couldn’t even recognize one of the members on the street let alone tell you any of their names.

How exactly are these comebacks anyway? If you release a new album every year or couple of years it’s not a comeback, you’re just releasing a new album. Britney Spears’ new album “Blackout” (named after how most of her nights end) was a comeback because she didn’t release an album for years, had kids, got divorced, and went insane before releasing another album. She was literally “coming back” from rock bottom. Plus her album wasn’t that great and she’s still insane so if she gets her act together and releases another album it will also be a comeback…Cha Ching! You have to actually come back from something.

I was going to talk about how maybe these are comebacks because these ladies are so old and it’s amazing they’re still going (possibly figure out how many qualify for AARP), but upon wikapedia-ing I was shocked to realize they aren’t that old at all. Well Madonna is…she’s almost 50; she’s older than my mom for Christ’s sake. But Janet Jackson is 41 and Mariah is a SHOCKING 37. Janet seems older because she’s just a vet in the biz. But Mariah Carey is only 37? She is literally crotchety. Whitney Houston’s 44, but seems like she’s the oldest of the lot. Partly because crack is whack (That’s going to haunt her the rest of her life), but also because every time she speaks it seems like Old Grandma Houston’s telling one of her tall tales.

Whitney “The Voice” Houston’s comeback is the one I’m looking forward to. She was America’s sweetheart with a voice like an angel. She sang, acted, produced, modeled, she even hold’s a Guinness world record for “The Most Awarded Female ever”. Then she met Bobby Brown and it all went to shit. She had a drug addiction and burned a lot of bridges, but with the help of Clive Davis she went to rehab, kicked the habit, and got rid of her trifflin’ husband.

Now she’s living in Clive Davis’ basement plotting her triumphant return. Okay, there is really no evidence that she’s actually living in his basement, but in my imagination he’s locked her down there with nothing but sound equipment and won’t let her out until she’s created an album. This is the ultimate comeback story (Lindsay Lohan take note). She is clawing her way back into the limelight, so suck on that America!