Having recently been hired by The Hollywood News to write the coming attractions for their police blotter, I have decided to keep a running diary of my daily routine to better assess my time management skills. I will post the first entry here in the hopes of gaining valuable feedback from my dear and fanatical readers.
8:03 am: I walk down the sidewalk from my apartment to clear my head and search for a cafe or restaurant to get breakfast. I ignore the cat calls of the all female construction crew that is preparing to embark on another busy day erecting a new Big O’s, the women’s fitness and vomitorium franchise recently launched by Oprah Winfrey and a group of Hollywood actresses. Spying a Denny’s across the street, I wave at the workers and cross.
8:10 am: The waitress, a pretty redhead who can’t keep her eyes off me, happily takes my order for the Lumberjack Slam. I have never eaten lumberjack, and am feeling adventurous. The man at the booth next to mine gets up to leave, so I take the newspaper he has left on the table to check out the latest on the Britney Spears saga.
8:35 am: My breakfast arrives, but before I can begin to eat I hear a commotion behind me. “Help,” the manager cries. I turn to see an older man choking. “Is there a Scientologist in the house?” the manager screams desperately. I immediately spring into action, rushing to his side. “Can you help?” the manager asks. “Don’t worry, I know just what to do,” I reassure him. I quickly retrieve my cell phone and dial Mary-Kate Olsen.
8:47 am: As paramedics wheel the old man’s lifeless body from the diner, I finish my breakfast. I am expected at my new job at 9:00am, but not wanting to appear overly eager, I ask the pretty redhead for one more refill of coffee. I overhear a man at the next booth ranting about the record profits enjoyed by Exxon-Mobil for the past year. “Those guys should be investigated!” he raves. I explain to the man that the Senate has better things to do than harrass small businesses, like holding hearings into the conspiracy to cover up alleged cheating by the New England Patriots.
9:04 am: Cleared of any wrongdoing in the old man’s death by Mary-Kate Olsen’s security detail, I leave the diner and head to my new job.
9:42 am: I arrive fashionably late at my new desk where my editor seems happy to see me. “It’s about f***ing time,” he says gladly.
9:43 am: I deliver my first coming attractions to my boss. They read: “Coming Soon! Zac Efron arrested for DUI and Kim Kardashian arrested for impersonating a prostitute!” The entire newsroom gives me a standing ovation. This is too easy.
9:45 am: Feeling the need to decompress after a day’s work, I excuse myself early and head back to my apartment to catch E!’s mini-marathon of The Girls Next Door.
Looking over my diary, the main thing I notice that is consuming my valuable time is the 25 minutes it took to get my breakfast. Perhaps next time I will call ahead. I might even be able to get three coming attractions done tomorrow. I wonder what Winona Ryder is up to these days?
April 02, 2010
old news.
Reply