However, living in NYC does have one major setback: I’m always broke. Here are some sure-fire methods to keep a little cash in your pocket while living in the hustle and bustle of New York.

1. One great way to save money is to take the train. At $2 a ride, you can’t beat the good old MTA. Plus you aren’t only getting a means of transportation, you’re getting an adventure. Between the rats, the homeless people, and the questionable urine smell you’re in for loads of fun!

With a cab you’re paying $15 to have some cab driver make awkward small talk with you, while plowing down pedestrians, and taking the longest possible route to get you to your destination. But in the subway you get a show with performers from magicians to crack-head drum bucket bands. And what is that delightful hip-hop song playing? That’s the music from the iPod of the person sitting next to you…enjoy!

It’s not unusual in Manhattan to go into a bar and pay for a $9 beer. You may be asking yourself, “How does a New Yorker get their drink on and their smoke on but not run out of money before they go home with someone to poke on?” I’m glad you’ve asked:

2. Most fun things in the city don’t start until 11pm at the earliest so get your drink on ahead of time. “Pre-Partying” is what we crazy kids call it. If you want to increase the crunk factor, skip dinner. You’ll be wasted in no time!
3. Ladies, don’t be afraid to show a little cleavage. Sure, giving sexual favors for a cocktail is considered “slutty”. However, there’s nothing slutty about offering sexual favors for a cocktail. You’re just being a tease!
4. Also, (and I can’t stress this enough) only take the amount of money that you’re willing to spend and don’t bring a credit or A.T.M. card with you. The only thing worse than a hangover after a long night of drinking is finding your A.T.M. receipts after a long night of drinking.
5. Smoking in the city is just plain expensive- a pack of cigarettes costs $8. That’s 40 cents a cigarette, and yet people think that New Yorkers are going to be good Samaritans and let them bum smokes. If you’re standing outside smoking (and you will be outside) and someone asks you if they can have a cigarette, look them dead in the eyes and tell them to lick your balls. If they actually attempt to lick your balls then you can give them a cigarette, because they’ve earned it.
6. But the one thing that sucks up New Yorkers’ money more than anything is rent. To cut down my rent I moved to Bushwick, Brooklyn. Sure, the neighborhood’s dangerous, it takes me an hour to get home, and I wake up every night to the sounds of cars getting robbed. But, it only takes me two paychecks to pay my rent!
7. I’m sure you’re wondering how to find such a steal. Well, look for neighborhoods with high crime rates, high instances of bed bugs, and buildings that are inconveniently located. If a cab refuses to go to your neighborhood you’re on the right track.
8. True, Bushwick is considered one of New York’s “up and coming” neighborhoods. But, I know all too well that only means my time there is limited. I used to live in Morningside Heights in a building where people would actually piss in the hallway. It was ideal! But then whitey moved in, they built a Starbucks, and I could no longer afford it. When it comes to your rent think of Starbucks like chariots in the sky…death is approaching.

The truth of the matter is that if you’re living in New York and you aren’t on Wall Street you’re probably pursuing a dream. Be it acting, singing, or writing for mindfeck a lot of New Yorkers are investing their time in things that aren’t paying their bills. As long as you don’t get your electricity shut off, you are doing alright by me!

How are you cheap in the city?

There are quite a few things you can learn so, in the event that a serial killer, a friend to whom you may have done an unspeakable harm, or any crazy person wielding a weapon is chasing you, you can implement and maybe save yourself from death.

These things may all seem simple enough, but as illustrated by these smart characters in the movies, anyone can become a blundering idiot and lose all common sense. So here’s my list of invaluable tools:

1. Don’t open and close a medicine cabinet. You never know who will appear in that mirror behind you in a split second’s time. You may think you can tell if someone is entering the bathroom and creeping up behind you, but you never know.
2. Don’t back up into a closet. Or for that matter, don’t walk backwards anywhere. The killer is always going to be at the end of that path. I mean, if you walk forward, you probably won’t be walking in the serial killer’s direction now, will you?
3. Don’t take a shower in a creepy house. If weird things are going on in a strange place, your best bet is to NOT get naked and start lathering up alone in a small space where you don’t have any room to maneuver.
4. Don’t split up if you’re down to just you and one other person. If you two stay together, you have someone to fight off the killer as he/she goes after you. Or at least someone there to scream helplessly as the killer proceeds to…you know, kill you.

And finally….

5. Don’t be a supporting character or black. Those are the people who always die throughout the movie. If you’re a main character, you will be saved to be killed last, and by that time, usually an hour and a half after the killings have started, the cops will finally show up and save you.

You probably know which liberal politician I’m talking about. That’s right, former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Now, like I said, I’m overjoyed that a liberal has bitten the dust, but Spitzer’s scandal is just another example of politicians being scrutinized for everything these days. What is our world coming to when a major politician, after a hard day’s work, can’t call a prostitute over to have a little fun? And its not just prostitution. Politicians are finding it harder and harder to take bribes, have gay affairs, and take drugs. I’ll tell you who’s got the right idea, though. Spitzer’s wife. Way to stick by your man. Even though he slept with another woman and has probably done it multiple times, you’re sticking by him. Good for you. I mean, on your wedding day you promised to stay by him for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish him. Just because he didn’t stick by his vows doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. I mean, it’s like this woman that called in to a local radio show said, “It’s probably your fault anyway, lady.” If you had maybe kinked it up a bit in the bedroom and taken care of him a bit better, he wouldn’t have strayed. At least you’re owning up to your mistakes, Ms. Spitzer.

Now, why am I so upset you might ask? I’m upset because our politicians have to answer to the public. I mean, they get elected, and that’s it. They shouldn’t have to prove themselves any further. They should just sit back, relax, enjoy the ride, take the occasional bribe, and bang the occasional prostitute. What’s the point of wanting to be a politician if you can’t do those things? It used to come with the territory until our dear politicians had to worry about “accountability,” “results,” and “not breaking the law.” Those are all subjective terms anyway, if you ask me. We’ve already lost a lot of good politicians. Tom Delay and Mark Foley to name a few. It’s just so sad. However, I say, let’s end this silliness. Let’s just stop caring what politicians do. Let them lead their double lives in peace, so they can indulge in their God given right as politicians; breaking the law on a regular basis. They’re not hurting anybody except their friends, families, and constituents, are they?

Janet (or Miss Jackson if you’re nasty) is no stranger to comebacks. For her last album, “Damita Joe”, she gained a bunch of weight and then dropped it. She was all over magazines and on Oprah telling all about how she lost the weight. Janet, if you read this (and I’m sure you will), take it from me: If gaining and losing weight made you more popular I would have at least had my Comedy Central Presents by now…but no dice. It’s true that no one likes a fatty…But, nobody understands what “Damita Joe” means. Is it a person’s name? Or are you asking “Did you meet a Joe?” And in that case are you referring to specific person named Joe, or do you call all men Joe ala movie musicals of the 1930s? This time she’s trying to do the unheard of and just let the music speak for itself.

Now, Mariah Carey or “Mimi” is attempting to try Janet’s failed “new body” technique for her new album “E=MC2” (a beyond clever title). She’s showing off her new figure on magazines, but I have to be honest I like a fatter Mariah. Watching her hoist her ass up onto counters and the hoods of cars in her music videos is part of her appeal.

And then, of course there’s “Her Madgesty”, Madonna. She is the queen of reinvention. She’s done everything from coming out with a sex book to french kissing Britney Spears. Now she’s got a new black baby, a documentary movie she directed, and with the help of Photoshop she’s proving to the world that 50 is sexy. Her new album is called “Hard Candy” and at this point I think her hard candy of choice would probably be Werther’s Originals.

You may have noticed at this point that I haven’t actually mentioned any of the music. I was watching an interview with Heidi Montag (of the Hill’s) and when asked why she’s so certain she can transition into being pop star she said, “A hit song is a hit song. It doesn’t really matter who sings it.” I died a little inside, but it’s totally true. Ladies, you are from a simpler time when people bought your albums because they gave a shit about you as a person as well as your music. Now I find myself downloading Pussy Cat Doll songs and I couldn’t even recognize one of the members on the street let alone tell you any of their names.

How exactly are these comebacks anyway? If you release a new album every year or couple of years it’s not a comeback, you’re just releasing a new album. Britney Spears’ new album “Blackout” (named after how most of her nights end) was a comeback because she didn’t release an album for years, had kids, got divorced, and went insane before releasing another album. She was literally “coming back” from rock bottom. Plus her album wasn’t that great and she’s still insane so if she gets her act together and releases another album it will also be a comeback…Cha Ching! You have to actually come back from something.

I was going to talk about how maybe these are comebacks because these ladies are so old and it’s amazing they’re still going (possibly figure out how many qualify for AARP), but upon wikapedia-ing I was shocked to realize they aren’t that old at all. Well Madonna is…she’s almost 50; she’s older than my mom for Christ’s sake. But Janet Jackson is 41 and Mariah is a SHOCKING 37. Janet seems older because she’s just a vet in the biz. But Mariah Carey is only 37? She is literally crotchety. Whitney Houston’s 44, but seems like she’s the oldest of the lot. Partly because crack is whack (That’s going to haunt her the rest of her life), but also because every time she speaks it seems like Old Grandma Houston’s telling one of her tall tales.

Whitney “The Voice” Houston’s comeback is the one I’m looking forward to. She was America’s sweetheart with a voice like an angel. She sang, acted, produced, modeled, she even hold’s a Guinness world record for “The Most Awarded Female ever”. Then she met Bobby Brown and it all went to shit. She had a drug addiction and burned a lot of bridges, but with the help of Clive Davis she went to rehab, kicked the habit, and got rid of her trifflin’ husband.

Now she’s living in Clive Davis’ basement plotting her triumphant return. Okay, there is really no evidence that she’s actually living in his basement, but in my imagination he’s locked her down there with nothing but sound equipment and won’t let her out until she’s created an album. This is the ultimate comeback story (Lindsay Lohan take note). She is clawing her way back into the limelight, so suck on that America!

For years now, minorities and women have been taking over all levels of government, but all of us could rest easy and breath a sigh of relief knowing that the nation’s top office was safely in the control of an old, white man. I thought it would be another few years before I would see the day where a black man or a woman might have a chance at being president. I guess nothing is sacred anymore. Without an old, white man as our figurehead, who else is going to scare the voting public into apathy? That’s what American politics thrives on. Voter apathy. It is sickening to see this huge turnout for the 2008 election. I mean, where does the common person get off actually going to vote in an election? He should know that there’s nothing he can do to affect change in the political system, stay at home, and let the rich vote. What’s next? Getting rid of the Electoral College? I shudder at the very thought.

This voter turnout could start a new movement. If people turn out in record numbers for this presidential election, then they might turn out in record numbers for congressional elections, gubernatorial elections, and even local elections. If all that happens, American politics as we know it today would be over. Elected officials would actually have to worry about doing a good job. What kind of life is that? It is not fair to our politicians to scrutinize them so and actually make them word hard for our vote.

People, it’s time to realize the folly of our ways. It’s not too late to turn this around. Unfortunately, either Obama or Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. However, we still have hope in John McCain. He can right this wayward ship. So, if you MUST vote (remember that’s a big if, the best thing to do is just stay at home and leave politics to others), vote for John McCain. If he wins, people will get disillusioned by our political system and stop caring about politics again. Or at least that’s the hope. Then the world as we know it can return to normal. Therefore, my fellows Americans, on November 4, 2008 remember to vote for the oldest, whitest guy on the block. The 71 year old John McCain.