Berkeley, the Lovable Child Molester

Being mad at the city of Berkeley for the strong wording against the Marines is like being mad at Michael Jackson for inappropriately touching children.

Back in the 60's people should have been surprised and upset and jarred by the community of Berkeley. Then they were new, creative, surprising, original and crazy. Similarly, people were justifiably upset when it first came out that Michael Jackson had a thing for little boys. It was surprising, gross and very scary.

But it has reached the point with Michael Jackson that it is certainly a big national joke and it is (almost) adorable. You know that the parents who brought lawsuits more recently were just gold diggers hanging their plump, luscious children out there as bait for a genetically modified pedophile. You know he is going to want to "share a room" with them. And you know Jay Leno is going to have some killer punchline about Jacko.

And you also know Berkeley is going to do crazy anti-war stuff because that is just what they are known for. So what is the big effin' deal?

(It should be noted at this point that I have tried to find the actual letter online, but thus far have only come up with the same basic quotes repeated in the press. While I would like to examine it to gain an independent perspective, it would appear that it would take more time than it is worth for this little piece.)

So Berkeley apparently used strongly worded language against the Marines saying they were unwelcome guests (ooohhhh!), but much like many Democratic resolutions, they did not actually do a damn thing. They certainly did not make any real maneuver to kick them out. Unless you count sicking the Modern Hippies on them. Sunshine and Rainbow and their functionless, pot molested, uncreative and thoughtless brains might make one opt for certain drastic measures to free themselves from the monotonous, uniformed babble.

Still, all in all, Berkeley really did nothing but use their supposed "freedom of speech" in a way that might be improper for a City Council.

Why then have the Republicans latched on to this thing like a virgin at a peep show? Arguments rage. Blood boils. Feelings get hurt. Because FOX News and like-minded affiliates have decided Berkeley is the new France. They are marching all over this issue, skewing as they like, as if they were the Republican Public Relation Machine of old.

And maybe that's the real issue.

The Republican Public Relation Machine once had you believing a war in Iraq would be over in 90 days. They had you believing WMDs were hidden up your own ass. The RPRM was so fine tuned, so on, so pitch perfect, they could have shown that little bitchboy, Joseph McCarthy, how a witchhunt is done.

At their prime, say around 2002, when free speech was punished and Karl Rove roamed the Earth, the Republican Public Relations Machine could have had you duct taped inside your own home, eating nothing but lobbyist-pushed Hershey bars and Ovaltine, refusing even Amazon delivery for fear of Anthrax and committing incest to insure the survival of the Human Race until the devastating threat of the Brown Islamic Tide had passed. Don't lie to yourself, they were that powerful.

But that is not the case anymore. If you are not a political junkie who watches FOX News and listens to Rush Limbaugh out of a pure masochistic self-loathing you might not have noticed that the crazy talking head Right were putting all of their support behind Mitt Romney after it was clear that Rudolph "The Boy Who Cried 9/11" Giuliani was out of the race.

After John McCain had won a couple of primaries, this merry band of Brooks Brothers clad gun nuts put all of their effort into screaming about how John McCain was not a truly Conservative candidate! "He is as fake as Britney Spears breasts, as old as the Vietnamese who tortured him and as gay as Richard Simmons," they sang in unison.

They spent the 24 hours leading up to Super Tuesday election results verbally clubbing that battered old war veteran into the ground like he was the most adorable baby seal you could find.

And what happened?

The Straight Talk Express rolled on to significant victory. And once that champion of Keith Richards and the crazy Evangelicals, Mike "I Heart" Huckabee backs out of the race, McCain will be the official winner. (I'm sorry. I don't know why I have a thing for giving people boxing nicknames right now.)dic

Of course there have been a myriad of other examples of late of how the RPRM metaphorical Cialis induced priapism, which lasted for well over four hours, has finally returned to a state of flaccidness (and, understandably, why your ass hurts a little less). But this was the point that they were pushing for. It was their surge. It was their Waterloo. It was their Battle of the Bulge. They knew they were destined to win and protect the white man from evil, parading, gay immigrants, but they failed.

And then the Berkeley City Council had to go and write that letter. The stupid, forgetful, pork-bellied Republican Elephant was dead. Berkeley gave it mouth to mouth.

Berkeley didn't really do anything un-Berkeley. Berkeley just stuck out their leg and said, "Here Republicans, dry hump this false issue for a little while."

And dry hump they have.

But the pendulum is obviously swinging back to the left, no matter how small the margin between the leftness and the rightness of Democratic candidates has gotten. And no matter how weak the Democratic Public Relations Machine is, it is swinging their way. The pendulum will not stop, unless the Left continues to give the Right teats of nourishment to suckle from.

So for the love of God (or Buddha), Left Wing, if you truly love your country, do what your Democratic Representatives do best and say absolutely nothing about nothing. Especially about soldiers.

Because Republicans might not care about babies once they are born or anyone else's kids getting an education or society outside of their own backyard or equal rights or even a soldier once he/she is in a VA hospital missing a few limbs (unless of course they can exploit him/her for a picture or name-dropping opportunity), but they sure as hell care when you talk about the abstract idea of soldiers and military and "freedom." Because that is what they spend all of the government's money on.

Think about what you spend on your money on, hippies. Would you really like someone to make fun of your ridiculously expensive hemp clothing collection?

So be good. Respect consumerism. And shut the hell up. Or else I will tell Michael Jackson where your children live.